i should’ve known better…
not too many people my age would want to be a cop. let alone with oakland.
click the OPD tag. all you see is Fuck, OPD this. Fuck, OPD that.
it’s like Cop Hater central out there.
but, that life, i want it.
so bad that it hurts.
i’ve got this cockiness about me that is starting to grow with each passing day.
yeah, i’m in the middle of OPD’s process. swag.
it kind of scares me.
it really scares me.
it’s fucking Oakland.
I’m trying to be a cop.
what the hell is wrong with me?
it’s not about the power. it’s not about the gun. hell, it’s most definitely not about the money. [OPD has one of the highest starting salaries in the state, just fyi] I could give a single shit about the money.
call me naive, call me stupid.
but i want to do my part in serving that community.
it’s a fucked up world out there and i want in.
my race, law, and equality professor gave me a sad statistic the other day. something about how 1 in every 3 black boys born in the year 2000 will have died of a gunshot wound by this year.
i’ve been having second thoughts about continuing with the selection process since i took the test last week.
Fuck, has it only been a week?
i’ve had second thoughts about this process because of everyone worrying about me. i hate it worrying people. and the ones who are worrying know that.
and they’re using my sympathy against me.
i feel little support.
i feel like no one understands what i’m going through.
BECAUSE EVERY ONE HATES A COP.
i feel alone.
I. Want. This.
the lonelier i feel, the more i want to prove myself.
prove myself TO myself.
prove to myself that i can do this.
prove to myself that i can do more than just want and dream.
prove to myself that i’m willing to do what it takes.
fuck the hate.
fuck the guilt.
It’s MY life.
but if only i can just SAY that.
writing it out like this can only do so much.
no one will read it.
no one will care.
so what do i do from here?
MAKE. IT. HAPPEN.
use my voice.
damnit, friggin’ barrio actually taught me something.
these three things will help me at least get through most of this book review….
maybe if i actually read the hard copy of this book, it’d be a lot simpler to do.
time is going by really slowly…
all of my feels right now.